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Campus Life, March/April 2004
Smart Dating
There won't be a test … but there are plenty of questions you should ask before a date.
by Diane Eble
Ever wish you could predict ahead of time
whether or not a dating relationship will work out? It would save a lot
of headaches and heartache, wouldn't it? While you can't predict the
future, you can make choices that will help guide you to relationships
that are both exciting and honoring to God. Here's how.
Why it's good to be picky
You don't have to have too many lousy dating experiences to realize it
makes sense to be picky. And while being picky may limit the number of
people you date, it will also improve the quality of each date you have.
As you think through potential dates, ask yourself these questions:
- What's my first impression? "Don't judge a book by
its cover." That's how the old saying goes. True, first impressions
aren't totally accurate. But until you get to know a person, you must
depend on first impressions. Who do they hang around with? What kind of
parties do they go to? Do they drink, smoke, use drugs? This kind of
"first impression" information is very helpful as you think about who
you will or won't consider dating.
- How well do I know them? It always makes sense to go out with someone you've known for a while rather than a stranger.
- Do they treat others with respect? Ever been around
a girl who can't do anything but put down her boyfriend? Ever spent
time with a guy who likes to brag about how far he got on his last
date? Not exactly the kind of people you want to trust with your
self-image or your reputation.
- Do our values clash? Are the things most important
to you also important to them? Are you headed in the same general
direction in life? (For instance: You value good grades and plan to
attend college; your potential date regularly cuts classes and has no
plans for life after graduation.) Do they have decent standards when it
comes to the movies and TV shows they watch? Are they committed,
growing Christians who seek to live what they believe? You may be
thinking, But, hey, I've heard opposites attract! Not a good dating rule to live by, especially when it comes to values, moral standards and personal beliefs.
- Do they keep their promises? If they've been in a
serious dating relationship before, did they flirt with others or cheat
on the person they were dating? It's good to keep in mind that a
promise breaker can quickly become a heartbreaker, too.
Before getting serious
Let's say you've asked the right questions and you've been careful
about the people you date. In time, you'll probably find yourself
liking one person a lot. It looks like it's getting serious. If
you find yourself moving in this direction, or if you are already in a
serious relationship, here are other questions to think through and to
talk about together:
- Is our relationship about mutual trust? A
relationship can't survive without honesty and openness. If lies creep
into the relationship, it's time to get truthful, or call it quits.
- Can we be ourselves when we're together? If you
have to be somebody you're not, or if either of you feels you must put
up a front, then you're in the wrong relationship.
- Are either of us overly possessive? Words and
phrases like "smothered" and "jealous" come to mind. If one of you
can't move without the other one knowing it, then possessiveness is a
big problem. If this happens, both of you need some space, and maybe
you even need to back away from the relationship. These traits are red
flags that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive.
- Do we regularly have good conversations? Chat
room-type chatter is fine. But now and then you need to have a
conversation that goes a bit deeper—that lets you know each other's
likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, hopes and dreams.
- Have we set physical limits? This question is
extremely important and often difficult to answer, especially if a
relationship has already become too physical. To avoid pushing the
limits beyond the point of no control, you need to set agreed-upon
limits early on. You also need to know why you need limits. More
questions worth asking: Do both of you understand why God wants people
to save sex for marriage? Do both of you clearly understand why sex
outside of marriage is so destructive? If you break up tomorrow, would
you end the relationship with no regrets about your physical
involvement? If you can't answer yes to these questions, please talk
with your youth pastor or someone else who can give you guidance in
this critical area. For help online, go to www.christianitytoday.com/go/truthaboutsex.
- Do we have dates that include our friends? If your
friends or family complain that they don't see you anymore, your
relationship has gotten way too exclusive.
- Do we plan how we'll spend our time together? With
"nothing to do," it's easy to fill up your time by becoming more
physically involved than you should. Do your best to begin each date
knowing how you're going to spend your time together.
- Do we have a good understanding of what forgiveness
means? People mess up. That's just the way it is. That's why it's
important to forgive each other. Holding grudges because you've been
wronged kills a relationship. On the other hand, no one should say
"forgive me" when they really mean "accept my faults and don't expect
me to change." If you want to regain trust, if you want to keep the
relationship healthy, then changes must be made. The Bible calls these
changes "repentance" (Acts 26:20, NIV), and it means that you will, with God's help, stop doing the behavior that got you into trouble in the first place.
- Can we disagree agreeably? Can you handle
disagreements without screaming, sulking, or slamming phones or doors?
And what about compromise? A relationship isn't about winning, it's
about wanting what's best for each other. If either of you must always
win, you're in a no-win relationship.
- Do we keep God at the center? Jesus Christ needs to
be the center of each of your lives and of each of your relationships.
This obviously means being able to have good conversations about what
God is teaching each of you. It also means that each of you is
committed to personal spiritual growth. And it means having Christian
friendships (apart from each other) that hold you accountable and help
you live out your faith. All in all, an exciting faith adventure is key
to an exciting dating relationship.
Perfect dating?
No
relationship is perfect. But good relationships seek to put God first.
They're encouraging. They're supportive. They build up instead of tear
down. And both partners in a good relationship try their best to
demonstrate the kind of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (CEV):
Love is kind and patient,
never jealous, boastful,
proud, or rude.
Love isn't selfish
or quick tempered.
It doesn't keep a record
of wrongs that others do.
Love rejoices in the truth,
but not in evil.
Love is always supportive,
loyal, hopeful,
and trusting.
Love never fails!
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10 ways to date smart
When
you fall in love, it's natural to want to express your love in physical
ways. But you also know God wants you to remain sexually pure—in both
your actions and your thoughts. Sometimes it's a tough balance,
but showing love for another and remaining pure is possible. Here are
some suggestions:
- Keep innocent expressions special.
Rather than making the innocent expressions a mere prelude to the
"heavier stuff," make the most of them. Let holding hands mean
something. Express tenderness by simply putting your arms around each
other. Make sure a kiss communicates true feeling and isn't just the
first step to further physical involvement.
- Pace your passion.
Every marathon runner knows that you don't use up your energy at the
beginning of the race; you need to use it carefully so you'll have
enough to finish strong. Pacing your passion means that you realize
you're trying to remain pure all the way to your wedding day. It's OK
to express your love in little ways, but don't start messing with the
activities leading to sex. To get real practical, avoid French kissing
and petting—anything that is sure to ignite the fires of passion.
- Don't feed your fantasies.
It's normal to think about sex sometimes. In fact, with the way
advertising and Hollywood exploit sex, it would be impossible not to
think about it. So choose your entertainment carefully. Certain songs,
books, television shows, movies and websites only turn up the pressure.
Feeding your thought life with junk only makes it harder to remain pure
in your actions.
- Remember whose property you're touching.
You do not own the person you're dating. That person belongs to God.
Imagine there's a sign on everyone you date that reads: property of
Jesus. And don't forget: your body belongs to God too.
- Make a promise to God.
And daily renew your commitment. Decide where you're going to draw the
line, and tell God that with his help, you are not going to cross that
line until marriage.
- Talk to God as you prepare to date.
Before a date, it's normal to spend a lot of time getting ready. After
all, you want to look your best. But you also want to make sure you're
spiritually prepared. So spend at least as much time in prayer as you
do in front of a mirror. As it says in Proverbs 3:6: "Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths" (NLT).
- Agree on your standards.
Before sex becomes an issue in the relationship, talk about your
standards with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't dwell only on the
negative—what you won't do. Hebrews 10:24
tells us to "encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds"
(NLT). Discuss ways your friendship can help each of you become a
better person.
- Don't always go it alone.
Sure, you want to be alone with your date; that's only normal. Yet too
much time alone can lead you to do things you'll regret later. Your
relationship will be a lot healthier if you spend time with each
other's families and friends.
- Put real love first.
Genuine love always respects the other person. It never says, "If you
love me, you'll …" Real love says instead, "Since I care about you so
much, I will respect you, treat you with kindness, and never ask you to
do something you know or feel is wrong."
- Declare a new beginning.
If you think you've already given away too much, don't give up. The
beauty of Christianity is that sins are forgiven and erased (1 John 1:9). You can start over today.
—Ron Hutchcraft
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Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
Click here for reprint information on Campus Life.
March/April 2004, Vol. 62, No. 8, Page 38
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